Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
He kissed a someone with a penis
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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