My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
