The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Randomize
