Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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