I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
