Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
thus making me awesome and them whores
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
