he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
