They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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