The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize