no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
