I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
