She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
