And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
My penis needs a shock collar
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Randomize
