Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Randomize
