well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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