I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Help me help you realize you are a moron
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
