Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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