The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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