Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
