I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Randomize