I need help removing her.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Randomize
