he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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