i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
