i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
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