I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
