Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Randomize
