I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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