There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
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