I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I'm just crazy horny about you
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Ladies don't puke and tell
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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