Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize