so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
