I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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