please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize