theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize