OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Randomize
