I can tuck mytits in my pants
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
