you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
