So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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