God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
