My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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