You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
