mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I have aggressive nipples.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
