I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize