Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
