this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Randomize
