You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
