please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
