I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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