as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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