I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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