There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
