You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
