mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
