oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
