I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
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