i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
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