I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
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