Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
