all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Randomize
