my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
