oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
