If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
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