Paul doesn't remember going to the bar and slept on someone's porch...doesn't know whose porch...maybe near Howard U.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
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