I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Randomize
